High School Senior Not Even Slightly Worried About College

College acceptance board in OHS commons / Staff Photographer

As the deadline for college decisions to be released grows nearer, an anonymous Orcas High School senior declares themself completely at ease when thinking about their future. When contemplating the possibility that all of their schools could easily reject them, this unusual senior says they don’t feel any sense of soul crushing dread or anxiety. In fact, our source declares that “everything happens for a reason” and “the prospect that the potential future that I have been working towards could be destroyed in one thin paper envelope is totally fine. In fact, it would just be a new adventure.”

Considering the fact that other seniors seem to have resorted to rocking back and forth in dark bathroom stalls and starting fight clubs in the locker room to deal with the stress, this senior’s demeanor stands out. When asked how they manage to maintain their incredibly positive attitude, the senior explains they use the power of positive thinking, yoga, and a network of supportive family and friends. “You are entirely in control of how you see the world,” smiles the enthusiastic senior. “In fact, the only thing I would love more than to hear from colleges would be to be trapped in immediate suspense waiting for this essential part of my future forever.” Another student from the senior class said that they like walking in the rain because no one can see them cry.

Being accepted to college is only half the battle. The precarious future also includes various land mines like “making new friends, finding a compatible roommate, finding work after college,” and most prominently “thousands of dollars in student debt that remains permanently attached to one’s identity even after a declaration of bankruptcy.”

To these worries, our stupidly well-adjusted student representative says that they’re sure the people will like them for who they are, that they are sure to get along with anyone, and that the economy has nowhere to go but up, with plenty of high paying job opportunities for students right out of school.
Concluding the interview, this perfectly real and plausible individual walked away to class, full of motivation to continue the remaining school year performing at a high academic level and not to “just make it to graduation.”