Ed with his admirer’s heart / Photoshopper: Eve Eon
Dear Ed,
I know we have been talking for many years now and I have asked you for a lot of advice. I want to ask you something else … Will you be my valentine?
Sincerely, Secret Admirer
Dear Admirer,
Wow, I didn’t expect this. I thought you would ask for advice on how to make someone else your valentine, but I suppose it makes sense. I will admit that I have a pretty rockin’ bod. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I go to the gym every day. I’ve been a member at the gym for almost four years now and it shows. I can bench press 220. I can plank for 10 minutes. It’s whatever though. No biggie. But in order to have a rockin’ bod like myself, you don’t just go to the gym. You also have to eat right. I eat a dozen eggs in the morning for lunch (no breakfast), and chicken and rice for dinner. Every meal I have has to have protein in it, and as few carbs as possible. I can’t even remember the last time I had cake. I’m always on the grind getting them gains. But I have to ask, what is the reason you want me to be your valentine?
Sincerely, Ed
Dear Ed,
The real reason I want you is because it’s been rough since my girlfriend broke up with me about a year ago. She thought I was cheating, but I would never do anything like that. I suspect she was jealous that I was writing to you so much. I never realized my true feelings for you until the last issue where you gave me advice on my misbehaving bulldog. But I’ve finally built up the courage to ask you, so, will you accept?
Sincerely, Secret Admirer
Dear Admirer,
You know, you’re a really great person anonymous, but I think it’s best we stay friends. I know this is mean, but I just don’t like you in that way. I know it’s been tough since Stacy left you, but I’m sorry. I don’t want to put you through a relationship where there is no mutual love. But hey, if you want, we can go out and try to find you someone. Try to find someone who likes the same stuff as you. If you can’t do that, try to improve yourself. Go to the gym, get gains, learn a new skill, like playing music or gardening. You will eventually find someone, I know it.
Sincerely, Ed