To the shock of four Orcas Island High School students, a recent study conducted by the San Juan Thought Police has revealed that 94 percent of the graduating class of 2018 is critically unprepared for the future and have no idea what they are doing.
“We really never wanted to admit it, but we are extremely unsure about what to do with ourselves after high school,” said one senior who wishes to be anonymous. “It has been difficult maintaining our impenetrable facade of being the most level-headed class for so long. My classmates and I do not have a clue about what happens next.”
Analysts blame the graduating class’ lack of proper preparation primarily on Orcas Island’s isolation from the rest of the world. Other factors that might contribute to the seniors’ deficiency in readiness include their inadequate college funds, reliance on parental support, and overpowering impatience to get away from each other.
“Well, I know that I am going to college, but I am not sure what happens then,” said another senior that also wishes to be anonymous. “I guess I will take a couple of classes if they are easy, and rent an apartment. Maybe get a job, too. But not a stupid job like working at a fast food restaurant or being a research assistant. Only fun jobs for someone as awesome as me.”
Among the 94 percent of woefully unready seniors, 53 percent are blissfully unaware of their impending crisis, focusing their time and energy on crises already occurring at school. Another 26 percent are conscious of their unpreparedness, but see little reason to change it. In contrast, the remaining 21 percent claim to be hatching a backup plan for when they inevitably realize that life beyond high school is hard. The three most common backup plans are returning to work at the Orcas Island Market, miraculously winning the lottery and becoming rich, and moving into their parent’s basement.
Although much of the graduating class of 2018 is not ready for life after high school, some defend their lack of a plan. “See, at least I do not have a plan like that guy Tom or Tam or something like that,” one anonymous senior commented. “Totally crazy junior, let me tell you. Point is, that dude wants to devote his entire life to playing his musical instrument. Insane, right? At least I am not that stupid with my life.”